Hunger

I'm getting too fucking fat.

I was never very skinny, but lately I've been packing on the pounds like food's going out of style.

And I'm spending more, too.

I've got too much damn money in my account and I'm being reckless with it. I buy on impulse too often for the money to not really be mine. As far as finances, I'm failing miserably.

Perhaps worst of all, I'm missing classes. For the three years I've been in college, I've prided myself on having an overall good attendance record. Maybe I'm asking too much of myself in a college setting, but I feel I need to be at every class, and I need to be there as early as possible. I set very high goals for myself, and I can't afford to become complacent.

I guess it's an old problem I'm facing. Everyone who gets into a comfort zone loses what got them there in the first place. George St. Pierre lost his title because he was comfortable being the champ. The same thing happened to Tyson. Apolo on Battlestar Galactica got fat and lazy when they found New Caprica. When you're used to the top, you settle there, and you make it that much easier for someone with fire in their eyes to knock you off.

But keeping that killer instict is hard when no one can touch you. Anderson Silva's dominated the best Dana White has thrown at him. How can he still be as dangerous when he's beaten Dan Henderson, Rich Franklin, and a bunch of other top - tier fighters? Trying to keep the fact that you've got a target on you when you're on top in the front of your mind is hard when everyone keeps telling you you can't be stopped. You have to motivate yourself. You have to be dedicated to getting up early, working hard, and being on time for even the smallest engagement.

I need to motivate myself better. I hear the alarm go off at 6, but I wait 'til 8 or even 10 to get out of bed. Am I sleeping on gold clouds? Can I afford to not be the best and/or the most dedicated? Am I really that great I can't lose my money, or develope diabetes, or get kicked out of school? How dare I be comfortable! I need to be in the library, in the practice room on my horn, and running 'til I can't feel my MOTHAFUCKIN' LEGS!!!! I can motivate myself out of bed by remembering the words I'm writing now.

The worst place you can be is in a comfort zone, because men are willing to kill you to be in you place.

All That Jazz

I like jazz.

Yes, I realize that that statement really doesn't tell you anything.

I like jazz, but not the Glenn Miller, Duke Ellington, swingin' standards stuff. I'm not saying it's not good, but I prefer an odder sound when it comes to jazz. I have Birth of the Cool, but I listen to Bitches Brew more often.
I guess I'm more anti - establishment when it comes to music. I like having to seek out hidden treasures, digging in crates for that snatch of gold. I try to avoid a lot of the mainstream music out there unless it's actually good.

But as I look for great music not heard on the Top 40 stations, I end up going to stuff that other people claim to be great. So does that make me lazy, or do I value others' opinion over my own? Then again, I like certain records that some critics don't like. I guess there was a point to this, but I've lost it.

I need to learn focus.

Life Is But A Dream

I've been staying up 'til 5 in the morning lately. It's caused me to miss classes. I'm not complaining or looking for sympathy; that's just what's been happenin'.

Dreams are funny. When we're sleep, weird abstract ideas pop in our heads. When we're awake, dreams are goals we set that are either marginally feasible or highly improbable. The American Dream comes 2 mind.
I can't stand this fucking fairytale. I mean, the concept seems so innocent; a country allows anyone to be rich if they're creative and determine enough. You can have a big house, a beautiful spouce, well - behaved kids, a white picket fence, the works. The perfect life. Paradise on Earth.

Sounds good, doesn't it. And it's mostly true, too. You can get it if you really want. But there are strings. That white fence has to be planted in deep dirt. Your hands have to get dirty. But not too dirty. You have to keep up appearences, make yourself look completely clean. But don't be honest. No one rich likes an honest John coming in to their den of theives. If your good, keep a low profile so the rest of the elite can feel better about themselves.
It helps if you're the right type, too. Not too dark; not to feminate. They don't call it "The Boys Club" for nothing. And the boys are all old and pale. But if you manage to get in even with those disadvantages against you, congratulations; your kids won't have a problem getting in at all if you keep the green growing, and I don't mean grass. Or do I? No one said anything about the cash being squeaky clean.


Now that I think about it, I'm glad I'm not that wealthy. True, I have some change in my pocket, but I can't really buy anything; it's not even really my money.

If you're poor, you're hungry; if you're rich, you're fat. You're lazy when you're rich; you work when you got jack. But being a bum's not cool. If you think that, you're a fool. Y you think everyone tells u 2 stay in school?

Refund checks.